When I was in Middle School and High School, my mother had a summer ritual.   She would can gallon upon gallon of fresh picante sauce.  She would do this in either pint or quart mason jars with the theory that we would have fresh picante to last us the inter until veggies started coming out of the garden again.

This seems like a really nice idea….in theory.

Introduce the players…  My brother and I.

My brother would come in for a weekend, and then he and I would go to the store.  This store visit included some of the necessities of store trips mind you, but the main thing on the list was Milk and Tostito’s Corn Tortilla Chips.    We would bust a gallon of that in the ass in a weekend without even trying and if we were particularly gluttonous, one and a half-two.

Needless to say the picante didn’t even make it to Christmas most years.   The thing that still befuddles me is this:  Mom never killed us for going through that much picante.   It’s a miracle I am here to tell ya.

So thanks mom for not killing us, and omg the picante was good.

As many of you know, I spent a while as a truck driver. Although I no longer drive professionally, I still drive a passenger vehicle like most of you. The shit I see people pulling while out and about makes me wonder if the rules and regulations governing the issuance of a driver license has changed since I got mine.

1. Following Distance. In a passenger vehicle it is recommended to allow 1 sec per 5 feet of vehicle, then an additional second for every 10 mph over 30mph. So, for all the math impaired folks.. lets do some quick figuring. A person driving an average mid size car is doing 45 on Gutbucket Lane. 8ft car length = 2 sec 45mph-30mph = 15mph 10=1 second remember… so what about that extra 5mph….. ROUND UP MORONS. so we add 2 seconds for the speed over 30mph… what are we up to? 4 seconds. Remember, the life you save may be your own. Be my guest to turn your self into a grease spot on dumbass lane, but be courteous enough not to take someone else with you. And I am sure, someone out there gives a shit about you. Prolly not me, but hey..

Moral of the story…. STAY BACK The life you save may be your own.

2. Yellow lights. To most of the motoring public, a yellow traffic light means “drive like Al Unser to beat the red”. In reality, it means CLEAR THE INTERSECTION. Sure you lost a whopping 2 min while opposing traffic gets their turn… big fucking deal. If 2 min are going to make you late, you have a time management problem and your dumb ass deserves to be late.

Moral of the story… Light goes yellow, don’t be a douche. STOP

3. Right on red This means if there is no opposing traffic you can make a right turn even if you have a red light (Provided there is not a traffic sign forbidding this). Notice that there is the red light thing? Well what does a red light mean? Stop. Most municipalities have Gestapo traffic cops. The one I live in has Gestapo traffic cops trained by a cross-breed of Stalin and Himler. If you don’t come to a complete stop before the turn, your ass will get cited.

Moral of the story… STOP, then turn if safe to do so.

4. Parking lot courtesy. I was out and about with the matriarch of the bastard clan. We had finished our shopping, gotten back to the car, and I was backing out of the parking space. 2/3 of the way out, this goofy fucker turns down the row we are on and just drives right behind me. I may be completely wrong on this, but I was taught that when backing out, if you are less than halfway out and a vehicle is approaching in the lane, they have the right of way. If you are more than halfway out, and a vehicle approaches, you have the right of way. It’s simple fucking courtesy.

Moral of the story…. Use some fucking patience and common courtesy.

I am gonna catch heat for this one, but this is my blog, so if you don’t like it….gnaw the bark off my big fat log

5. Cell phone use while driving. You can say what you want, but here is your empirical proof…

Cell phone distraction causes 2,600 deaths and 330,000 injuries in the United States every year, according to the journal’s publisher, the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society.

If the conversation you are having is important enough to stay on the phone, and you do not at the very least have a hands free device….. PULL THE FUCK OVER. I don’t want to be the person you crash into and kill because you are bumping your gums to some one over something that could have waited till you got where you were going.

Moral of the story… hang up the phone and drive

6. Accident. An accident is a specific, identifiable, unexpected, unusual and unintended external action which occurs in a particular time and place, without apparent or deliberate cause but with marked effects.( thanks Wikipedia) There is no such thing as an accident in a vehicle. National Transportation Safety Board, National Safety Council, and many other groups are of the very same opinion. What we have are traffic collisions or crashes. The hell you say? It may be an accident to you, because you were driving like the poster child for traffic law observance. Was the other person? If the answer is no, then it was preventable, therefore not an accident. If a meteor falls from the sky and kills you, I will say, if you had left 15 min earlier or later you wouldn’t have died….preventable.

Moral of the story…. Be aware of what is going on around you, obey the traffic laws, drive safe and you reduce your chances of a traffic collision exponentially.

Too many people focus on everything but that they should when they drive, it’s like they remove their brain when they put the key in the ignition… What should I be focusing on you may ask?

DRIVING DUMBASS

So… to sum up..

While in a vehicle:
1. Be aware of your surroundings
2. Respect the other people who have to share the road with you
3. Obey the traffic laws
4. Stay off the phone, or at least use a hands free device
5. Allow for proper following distance
6. Use your brain… you know, that the grey goo that fills the lump 3 feet above your ass.

And while I am on this topic…. I want all of you to think about this the next time you start bitching about them on the road.

Before you…. Ate it, wore it, used it, drove it, drank it, wrote with it, surfed the web with it, watched it, drove on it, or bought it..

A trucker brought it.

So a week from today, I will be getting on a plane to go to Oregon to see my brother.   It’s just shy of 6 years since we last saw each other, and those were not the best of circumstances (a funeral for once of the greatest and most influential people in your life is quite the joy kill).  So for the most part I have real good vibes about my visit with my bro.

This was not always the case.  In some ways, my brother and I are like carbon copies of each other.  In others, not so much.   But there is one thing that will never change…. He’s my family and nothing is more important than that.

In the past 10 years, I have done more traveling than most folks do in a life time.  This is due, for the most part to the fact I was an over the road truck driver for close to 6 years.  Most people see travel as exciting or adventurous, others as tedium.  To me it’s a little of both.  This trip though, I plan to enjoy.

See ya in a week bubba!

And to get us in the spirit….here we go!!!

Before all you people with NO sense of humor chime in, I know the reason we observe D.S.T.   So before you start this is a preemptive STFU.

Daylight Savings Time makes me grumpy.   The older a person gets, the harder it is to modify our sleep patterns.  Another thing that happens in the aging process…. A major dose of the grumpy ass when our sleep gets fucked with.  If you are a member of my family you are a grumpy ass if your sleep gets fucked with regardless of age.  The grumpy just gets worse as we get older.  There is my grumpy observation for the day.

Have you ever been in a room with or been chatting with someone and they exclaim to the world “Oh wow!!”? More often than not you have to then ask…”what is so neat etc. ?”

So… Bastard that I am, I have come up with a few funny retorts to make sumbitches speak up. Some are generic, but most are gender based, so I will separate them.

Male

1. Finally figure out that people are laughing at you?
2. The other one finally dropped didn’t it?
3. Just now figured out that hair is actually your penis?

Female

1. Yes, your ass really is that big
2. I know… silence is amazing isn’t it?
3. See, I told you I would listen more if you nagged less!!

Now few folks have actual answering machines anymore.  Most telecommunications providers offer a digital message service to their customers. If you are like us, we have a feature from our Voice over IP provider, that works…..Never.  They have tried to fix it… no avail    People say they hear the message, but we can’t retrieve them so… I have had an Idea  hehehe… >-P      /engage bastard mode.

Being that we can’t hear or retrieve the voice mail messages…. I have come up with a few voice mail greetings that I think I am going to start using on a rotating basis.

1.  According to my daily agenda, giving a shit about talking to you is nowhere to be found… at the sound of the tone…. FUCK OFF

2. I would be happy to answer the phone, but I am having freakishly wild sex right now.  Call back tomorrow.  Oh, and your wife says feed the kids, she’ll be home late.

3. Playing my guitar right now and can’t be bothered to talk to your dumb ass.  Call back and I will be subject to garrote your testicles with a high E string.

These are just some Ideas I have been kicking around.. I’ll post a new list soon.

Interuptus : according to the bastard jr. v.  Causing someone to stop an activity that they are engaged in.

So yesterday I am playing the 12 string, taking a little break from working on a PC of a family friend.  When I play my music, I get into a groove.  It’s  a kind of Zen state if you will.  It allows me to relax and recharge, all while expressing what little artistic talent I have.  If I feel like stopping or have a set time to stop, that’s one thing.  But being forced to stop because some cockbag fuckfaced jerkoff decides that’s the time to call me and sell me shit over the telephone makes me want to take a pair of barbed wire fencing pliers, and rip his anus out through his nose.

Now you might say that is a tad extreme.   You might even say ” Now Adam, that’s over reacting a bit now ain’t it?”  To those that may ask that… you obviously don’t know me very well.  That’s not even getting warmed up.   I have very, very few real passions in my life.  my music is one of them though.  So please….. don’t screw with it.

Just as many others in this family are,  I am prone to distraction.    This can be a good thing, and it can be bad.   As my brother Mark has pointed out to me…. you haven’t been writing, and you should.   OK, distraction over.   I’m back.  Sorry about your fucking luck.

Well, it’s finished. The move is complete, and the place is wonderful. The only part of moving I hate, is scoping out the new area for the eating joints, corner stores, and all the other assorted places folks might need to go.