The Hell You Say!

The Bastard Junior Strikes Again!!!

Insert key, turn….remove brain

with one comment

As many of you know, I spent a while as a truck driver. Although I no longer drive professionally, I still drive a passenger vehicle like most of you. The shit I see people pulling while out and about makes me wonder if the rules and regulations governing the issuance of a driver license has changed since I got mine.

1. Following Distance. In a passenger vehicle it is recommended to allow 1 sec per 5 feet of vehicle, then an additional second for every 10 mph over 30mph. So, for all the math impaired folks.. lets do some quick figuring. A person driving an average mid size car is doing 45 on Gutbucket Lane. 8ft car length = 2 sec 45mph-30mph = 15mph 10=1 second remember… so what about that extra 5mph….. ROUND UP MORONS. so we add 2 seconds for the speed over 30mph… what are we up to? 4 seconds. Remember, the life you save may be your own. Be my guest to turn your self into a grease spot on dumbass lane, but be courteous enough not to take someone else with you. And I am sure, someone out there gives a shit about you. Prolly not me, but hey..

Moral of the story…. STAY BACK The life you save may be your own.

2. Yellow lights. To most of the motoring public, a yellow traffic light means “drive like Al Unser to beat the red”. In reality, it means CLEAR THE INTERSECTION. Sure you lost a whopping 2 min while opposing traffic gets their turn… big fucking deal. If 2 min are going to make you late, you have a time management problem and your dumb ass deserves to be late.

Moral of the story… Light goes yellow, don’t be a douche. STOP

3. Right on red This means if there is no opposing traffic you can make a right turn even if you have a red light (Provided there is not a traffic sign forbidding this). Notice that there is the red light thing? Well what does a red light mean? Stop. Most municipalities have Gestapo traffic cops. The one I live in has Gestapo traffic cops trained by a cross-breed of Stalin and Himler. If you don’t come to a complete stop before the turn, your ass will get cited.

Moral of the story… STOP, then turn if safe to do so.

4. Parking lot courtesy. I was out and about with the matriarch of the bastard clan. We had finished our shopping, gotten back to the car, and I was backing out of the parking space. 2/3 of the way out, this goofy fucker turns down the row we are on and just drives right behind me. I may be completely wrong on this, but I was taught that when backing out, if you are less than halfway out and a vehicle is approaching in the lane, they have the right of way. If you are more than halfway out, and a vehicle approaches, you have the right of way. It’s simple fucking courtesy.

Moral of the story…. Use some fucking patience and common courtesy.

I am gonna catch heat for this one, but this is my blog, so if you don’t like it….gnaw the bark off my big fat log

5. Cell phone use while driving. You can say what you want, but here is your empirical proof…

Cell phone distraction causes 2,600 deaths and 330,000 injuries in the United States every year, according to the journal’s publisher, the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society.

If the conversation you are having is important enough to stay on the phone, and you do not at the very least have a hands free device….. PULL THE FUCK OVER. I don’t want to be the person you crash into and kill because you are bumping your gums to some one over something that could have waited till you got where you were going.

Moral of the story… hang up the phone and drive

6. Accident. An accident is a specific, identifiable, unexpected, unusual and unintended external action which occurs in a particular time and place, without apparent or deliberate cause but with marked effects.( thanks Wikipedia) There is no such thing as an accident in a vehicle. National Transportation Safety Board, National Safety Council, and many other groups are of the very same opinion. What we have are traffic collisions or crashes. The hell you say? It may be an accident to you, because you were driving like the poster child for traffic law observance. Was the other person? If the answer is no, then it was preventable, therefore not an accident. If a meteor falls from the sky and kills you, I will say, if you had left 15 min earlier or later you wouldn’t have died….preventable.

Moral of the story…. Be aware of what is going on around you, obey the traffic laws, drive safe and you reduce your chances of a traffic collision exponentially.

Too many people focus on everything but that they should when they drive, it’s like they remove their brain when they put the key in the ignition… What should I be focusing on you may ask?


So… to sum up..

While in a vehicle:
1. Be aware of your surroundings
2. Respect the other people who have to share the road with you
3. Obey the traffic laws
4. Stay off the phone, or at least use a hands free device
5. Allow for proper following distance
6. Use your brain… you know, that the grey goo that fills the lump 3 feet above your ass.

And while I am on this topic…. I want all of you to think about this the next time you start bitching about them on the road.

Before you…. Ate it, wore it, used it, drove it, drank it, wrote with it, surfed the web with it, watched it, drove on it, or bought it..

A trucker brought it.


Written by bofhjr716

November 3, 2009 at 10:30 am

One Response

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  1. Every single one of those things piss me right the hell off too. I think what is passed off as drivers education in this country is a fucking joke. I think the qualifications for receiving a drivers license should be just a pinch shy of what is necessary to become an astronaut. Maybe THAT would keep all of the numbnuts off of the road.

    The Bastard

    November 3, 2009 at 11:37 am

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